The Old Soldier's Story

Since we have had no stories to-night I will venture, Mr. President, to tell a

story that I have heretofore heard at nearly all the banquets I have ever

attended. It is a story simply, and you must bear with it kindly. It is a story as

told by a friend of us all, who is found in all parts of all countries, who is

immoderately fond of a funny story, and who, unfortunately, attempts to tell a

funny story himself¿one that he has been particularly delighted with. Well, he

is not a story-teller, and especially he is not a funny story-teller. His funny

stories, indeed, are oftentimes touchingly pathetic. But to such a story as he

tells, being a good-natured man and kindly disposed, we have to listen,

because we do not want to wound his feelings by telling him that we have

heard that story a great number of times, and that we have heard it ably told

by a great number of people from the time we were children. But, as I say, we

can not hurt his feelings. We can not stop him. We can not kill him; and so the

story generally proceeds.